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Before I was able to have Jack, there was this family of little boys. My mom started watching the oldest. My sister met their mom while working at Starbucks and there changed the path of our lives.

I knew the twins before they were born. I went to their baby shower — suggested that Tori name them Ajax and Thor. And when she went back to work…they came to our house.

Because I worked a second shift at Dish Network, I spent my entire day with them. They would arrive fairly early and come running into my my room. The name “Merf” is totally their creation. When I was pregnant with Jack, they believed he was going to come out of my belly through a big zipper. I saw them walk into the classroom on their first day of kindergarten.

Hearing the news this morning sucked the air from the planet I was on. They couldn’t mean more to me. They were my first babies and their mom was an amazing, strong woman.

It’s so hard to figure out how to cope. I wish I could think of them all together somewhere nice…but I can’t. The fact that is really just this unfair sucks balls and I have nothing to fix it or ease it.

My mom and I have spent the day crying. Poor Jack who only really knows them through a visit they made a couple years ago is worried and it’s hard to explain to him. I am just gutted. And the anger is right under the surface.

Hug the people you love tight.

So very sorry for your loss.

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